So, if I may go back to my roots for a moment, I just wanted to note:

Crotchgate 2015 has begun!

(I figure at some point, someone will say, in all seriousness, "But that doesn't look ... Super enough." We'll all know what they meant. And someone will no doubt courteously refrain from pointing out that for the past several decades, he's basically worn a cup for no reason whatsoever apart from it made the line of his outfit look better.)

Not that I intend to read this or give it more thought than this -- (didn't need "The Dark Knight", "The Darker Knight" and certainly don't need "Extraordinarily Darkest Knight [now with dick outlines!]) -- but I do wonder how many times inside the thing Miller will lovingly draw the outline of the super peen against the super outer-undies. (Which technically shouldn't be that clear an outline because I'm prett sure the outer-undies are actually Outer and there's a bodysuit underneath them.)

And for your reading plaisir: Past Crotchgatey antics! (Note that these are all very old links, so every link to everything in those entries is likely broken, and I ain't going through to fix 'em.)
iainpj: (Default)
( Nov. 30th, 2010 03:50 pm)
So, a little something to make Crotchgate 2007 and 2008 pale into insignificance, then (Seriously, if the fanboys had fits over Alex Ross drawing vaguely realistic sized crotches on men fully dressed head to toe in spandex, imagine the collective fits they'll have over THIS! And, for those who are wondering what on earth I'm talking about, a small bit of historical background)

...That actually WOULD be kind of awesome.

You almost wonder if he has a point...

Don't you just love invitations delivered with extreme prejudice?

That last bit there? Actually sounds kind of painful, if you think about it.

Pretty sure that last event listed has already occurred. It's only the presence of desperately ill people with microwaves that has prevented the results from taking over the world.

And in conclusion, now for something completely different:

Hey, you have to admit, "different" it most certainly is. By the by, if you were wondering, Cosmo Jarvis, the writer/singer of the above, would appear to be mostly straight. "Mostly" because in a recent interview, he said that if he had one day to live, he would "have sex at least once depending on the time I had with a woman and transexual man." Which is an interesting and quite unusual answer.

Crispy Gamer - Feature: Gaming's Most Awesome Man-Crotches Ever!: With today's extremely high-powered gaming consoles, it's now easier than ever for skilled programmers to fully articulate a man-crotch. Games have certainly come a long way from the totally flat man-crotches of old. Remember the original Prince of Persia? Totally flat man-crotch. Mario? Flat man-crotch. Simon Belmont? You guessed it: FLAT MAN-CROTCH. For the next 14 seconds, feast your eyes -- and your clicks -- on gaming's most awesome man-crotches ever!

The principal reason that you wouldn't see an article like this about superhero comics is that your average male superhero does not have a penis.

No, not even Superman or Batman or any incarnation of Captain America or Spiderman. They just don't have 'em. No sirree bob, they don't.

Most male superheroes are, judging from the clearly visible evidence, entirely genitalia-free. Characters in nonsuperhero titles clearly do have penises; this unfortunate state of affairs appears to be limited to superhero comics. Therefore, any article trying to depict the "most awesome mancrotches" of superheroes would be seriously limited. As proof, I cite the Great Scandals of Crotchgate 2007 (POSSIBLY NOT WORKSAFE) and Crotchgate 2008 (POSSIBLY NOT WORKSAFE), in which it was conclusively determined that the only superheroes with penises were Captain Steel and Alan Scott, with an earlier cameo appearance from the Image superhero universe by Ace Justice, and also from Powers by Christian Walker. (Ace Justice actually having a clearly delineated penis under his spandex was rendered moot shortly after this discovery by the fact that he soon thereafter lacked a head, which went all 'splodey when Bomb Queen stuck a grenade in his mouth. Many superheroes mourned the loss, as it would now again become taboo to show VPL [visible penis line] -- this despite the fact that most male superheroes do not seem to have penises with which to show VPL. It has been theorized that some were planning on "packing", or wearing prosthetic penises under their spandex, but there is as yet no evidence to support this theory.) The discovery that Captain Steel and Alan Scott had penises under their spandex, and the shocking and very clear depiction of Christian Walker's quite quite naked penis, caused such a great furor that soon ravening fanboys everywhere went on a mad search for evidence of penile possession. Form-fitting spandex on all male heroes was examined for even the slightest clue. We do know that They even tried to look inside Batman's canonical hardened athletic cup, to no avail. (As one might imagine, this did not go well. Batman's displeasure was reportedly quite emphatic. It has been theorized that Bruce Wayne's one time romantic partner Jezebel Jet was perhaps a drag queen, seconded by RuPaul in advance of the "RuPaul's Drag Race" television show, to acquire evidence of both penishood and possibly the most spectacular "tuck" known to mankind; her failure is thought to have led both to her possible death and indirectly to "Final Crisis: Darkseid's Search for Batman's Tool".)

Despite the acute and self-evident lack of penisry, we do know that male superheroes allegedly reproduce. Green Arrow, Batman, the Wally West Flash, an alternate universe Spiderman, Starman, Captain Dynamo -- all of these heroes and more have allegedly fathered children. But how? How has this been managed in the absence of a penis and possibly of any genitalia whatsoever? The working hypothesis is that, unbeknownst to most of these heroes ... Captain Steel, Alan Scott, Christian Walker, and possibly Ace Justice before his unfortunate demise, have been very very very busy. (In fact, it is theorized that, due to a furious case of hero/lack-of-penis envy, Ace Justice may well have fathered all of the notoriously fertile Captain Dynamo's children before his death, and indeed, many of the children fathered by a male superhero in the entire Image superhero "universe".)

Thus, alas, we shall never see an article focusing on the wonders of the supehero mancrotch. We shall only see relentlessly flat spandex, from sea to shining sea.
I feel that I should mention that I really do like Broken Voice's Shades comic. It's sort of ... mysticism and magic and superheroes in the modern world. The story's really interesting -- the high tea featuring an armed attack that goes dreadfully wrong for the attackers is really kind of perfect, and earlier, they break the British Museum (but who doesn't?) -- and I like the artwork. Plus, the shaman's powers require him to be naked a lot. (... what? What? I never said I wasn't shallow! And it is established as necessary fairly early, so that it's not really gratuitous.) And honestly, in this, our year of the 2d Annual Alex Ross Heterosexual Male Groin Freakout Open (also known as Crotchgate 2008), it's kind of refreshing to see a series that undresses its men -- ok, its man -- with wild abandon and makes no apologies about it. (Seriously, who knew that people who have penises could get so freaked out by drawings of people with penises that actually acknowledge that the characters are supposed to have penises? Is it wrong of me to hope that at some point in the near future, Alex Ross -- who is, I believe, hopelessly heterosexual -- just says, "Oh, the hell with it" and does a cover image of Captain Steel and Alan Scott facing off against each other with absolutely unambiguous and unmistakeable raging erections visible under the spandex?) To be sure, Shades is aimed more or less at your standard superhero age audience, so it's not as if the shaman or his coreligionists actually wave weenie in your face, so to speak.

Which, it turns out, produces periodically problematic artwork.

In the most recent update, one of the shamans does a version of the superheroine twist. You know the twist -- you've all seen it. It's that very strange pose that women get drawn in so as to allow you to get nearly a full frontal shot of the cleavage and a full rear shot of the butt. You can see a version of the pose in the Madame Mirage cover to the left. Despite the severity of her pose (more about that in a sec), it's actually a comparatively mild twist; the butt just isn't that prominent. The shaman's pose in the latest update of Shades, seen to the right of this paragraph, is actually a more traditional Twist, if for somewhat different reasons. A more normal shot from the rear would keep you from being able to see the face, while a more normal shot from the front, even up high, would give you a lovely shot of shaman dingus. Problematic either way.

Now, I will say that for the purposes of journalistic completeness, I have, in fact, tried to get into both positions. (No, there are NOT any pictures.) And I can now say two things with authority:

1) Both positions are, shockingly enough, physically possible. (No, REALLY, they are! I know! Who knew!?)

2) Both positions ... Hurt. So. MUCH. The shaman isn't screaming because of the unexpected dragon appearing out of nowhere; he's screaming because his spine is in real and spectacular pain! Granted, my back isn't the most limber, but I can't believe that it wouldn't hurt even a younger and more athletic person. The shaman's position hurt my lower back, and Madame's position hurt everywhere. (Mind, she isn't precisely solid in the story, so she can get away with anatomical improbabilities. In fact, the only reason she's not screaming is that her spine is, quite literally, made of light.)

The other thing I can say with some authority is ... well ...

OK, I'll give 'em the first frame. In that position, with an apparent light source from above, the shadows make sense (... although, honestly? still kind of unusually wee. Most guys, that position, that sort of leap, there'd be danglage.). In the second ... no. Just ... no. The light source, to the extent that you can tell, is from above, his pelvis is aimed toward us, and yet, major shadows. That there is some bad planning and improbable anatomy, that is. (I am not campaigning for full frontal shaman dingus, let us be clear. Frankly, if the artist had just put his front leg up higher to figleaf him, it would have been perfectly reasonable.)

And now, on to actual reviews of hopefully one paragraph or less.

Reviews thisaway... )
So. In order to really and truly appreciate this:

Tony Zs Comics n Things: Package Patrol - week of 7.18.2007

you kind of have to look at this first: afraid of cock

and then this:

Tony Zs Comics n Things: Cosmetic deenhancement

(That thing with Kara's chest is the most disturbing thing I've seen in ages.)

And then the followups to the original "afraid of cock" entry: afraid of cock 2 (kind of sad, that one, actually) afraid of cock 3 (only tangentially about cocks to fear, but still somewhat relevant)

I really wish I could find an online copy of Ace Justice's crotch from his fight with Bomb Queen; unfortunately (or fortunately), I don't have a scanner at home, and I am NOT going to do that at work. Granted that the entire title is meant to be way WAY over the top; that picture would still send the drooling fanboys into fun fits! (and then they would stare at Bomb Queen's chest and crotch to get themselves back to normal.)
Well, it's certainly ... different.

Really REALLY different.

And as long as we're being vaguely unsafe for work: Fear the Cock! FEAR IT!

I really wonder what these people would have said about issue 3 of the first Bomb Queen story arc, wherein Bomb Queen and Ace Justice (the guy with his face between her legs in the picture) fight it out, and in the middle of everything, Bomb Queen's top gets ripped off -- it's built with the hole over the chest, like Power Girl's, so it really would come off quite a lot in fights, I think -- and then she points out that Ace Justice is, shall we say, happy to see her. And I don't mean that it's just an large bulge in the crotchal region, as in the above-linked piece and discussion, oh no no no! It's a lovingly detailed rendition of what an erection caught in tight spandex would look like (Ow, by the way), and manages to also make the point that both the observers -- those far enough away not to get blown up or caught in the overflow -- and the perpetrators are turned on by the violence. (In fact, right after one of her big fights, the Queen goes off and sexually assaults one of the people who commissioned Ace Justice to fight her.) Ace Justice doesn't have to be embarrassed about it too long, though; eventually, Bomb Queen sticks a bomb in his mouth, and that's the end of him.


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