I link to the first ones instead of embedding because two of these are are slightly smutty, the third is a contender for The Most Annoying Song Ever Recorded No Really Unspeakably Annoying, and the fourth ... well, actually will be embedded, but we'll get to that.
Christina Aguilera: Not Myself Tonight (Official Clean Version)
vs Not Myself Tonight (Official Unedited Version)
: Apparently the difference between "Clean" and "Unedited" (by which they mean "uncensored" -- confused the heck out of me the first time I saw that) is the "no actual humping on screen ... well, OK, a little humping at the end, because what else does one do with a hot shirtless man in bed?" rule. Though, interestingly enough, girl-on-girl brief making out, a really astonishing amount of latex fetish wear and sparkly ball gags are considered "clean". Who knew?
Seriously, though, can you imagine the conversation between Xtina and her fellow video creators on the one side, and the company suits on the other, once the video was delivered?
SUITS: So, Xtina, we really like your new video. Showing how you're not yourself tonight by referencing other videos from Madonna, Beyonce, Shakira, Lady Gaga, a few others, really, very nice.
XTINA: Thank you.
SUITS: The only thing is, it may be a little ... racy for some outlets.
XTINA: It's meant to be pretty racy.
SUITS: Well, yes, but ... do you think you can deliver a "clean" version that we can give to some more PG-type outlets?
XTINA: There's ... really nothing in that video that would work for a "PG-type outlet". We'd have to shoot an entirely new video, and I'm not paying for that. Are you going to pay for it, AND not take the costs from my advance and/or royalties?
SUITS: Well ... no.
XTINA: Well, then.
SUITS: Look, maybe we can meet halfway. Can you cut out maybe the girl-on-girl stuff?
XTINA: No. Tongue kissing another girl is an integral part of the video, and it's part of the video I'm referencing. I won't cut that out.
SUITS: Well, how about the sparkly ball gag?
XTINA: Nope. That's also part of the Madonna video that I'm parodying; people won't recognize it if I don't have that.
SUITS: Well, what about all those places where you're feeling yourself up? Surely once or twice will make the point.
XTINA: That's part of those videos I'm referencing. I have to keep all of that.
SUITS: Maybe you could replace some of the latex with a thong bikini? That would be socially acceptable yet excessively revealing, too!
XTINA: EW! No, I'm not doing that. I'm more covered up in the latex than I ever would be in a bikini. Besides, that's also part of the video I'm referencing.
SUITS: (very desperate now) Well, could you at least lose all of the humping? Some of the humping? Please?
XTINA: Well ...
SUITS: PLEASE! SOMETHING, PLEASE!
XTINA: (grudgingly) ... OK, maybe most of the humping. But I have to keep the part at the end!
SUITS: (with relief) Sure, OK, that's fine. A little humping at the end won't bother anyone. I'm glad we could come to an agreement about this.
XTINA: It offends my artistic integrity to remove any of the humping, but if it will make you happy...
And in a totally unrelated, nonvideo moment ... I'm speechless.
My, how the English language has changed in such a short time.
And now, we have: The Most Annoying Song In The World Ever Recorded No Really It Truly IS. Here's the thing: I was poking around the iTunes music store one night, looking for the free stuff. And it turned out that "I feel better" was the week's free music video. And the comments, they were ... vicious. I mean, even for comments on the iTunes music store. People were truly and sincerely not amused. This, of course, meant that I had to see what it was all about. After all, it would only cost me disk space, bandwidth and time, and not that much of any of the above. What could go wrong?
The song itself is by Hot Chip, which is a British electropop group. And on this particular song, they have autotuned and/or vocoded the lead singer until he has achieved that wondrous sound that manages to combine whine AND drone in a way that you had not known was possible. And then they wrap that around a video that's just ... well. Let me describe for you the action of the video. First, we start out with the introduction of a pretty boy band. (None of which, by the by, are members of Hot Chip, who do not remotely resemble a single member of that group on stage.
And then they start singing and dancing, and the tweenyboppers in the audience, they go mad. (Incidentally, I think that the men that they show in the audience ARE the members of Hot Chip.) And then suddenly, there's an entrance from the back of the room. A skinny bald guy in a glowing hospital gown sails in over the audience and lands on the stage with the faux boybanders. And then ... they start aggressively singing and dancing at him! Which, you know ...sounds so effective, doesn't it? And then he decides to kill them with his electrically bad breath! (Hey, he opens his mouth, breathes out, electricity comes out and fries someone. Like I said, electrically bad breath.) One boy bander after another and another! Oh, the humanity! The final boybander not only aggressively sings and dances at the alien, but he also tears off his t-shirt so that he can aggressively flash his (admittedly impressive) abs at the audience! This works about as well as you'd think it would and he gets zapped for his troubles. But then! the alien resurrects the band, all wearing white suits with no shirts (including him, for some reason), and they're laughing and singing, and all is well. But then! From the back of the auditorium (yes, again) comes ... A Giant Floating Head! His eyes are closed, he's kind of bopping along to the music (as much as one can bop without a body), and it seems that all will be well. But no! He opens his eyes! Red rays lance out and fry two of the boy banders! The rest scream and run off the stage! (Hey, it only took getting killed once to learn their lesson about floating things coming from the back of the room.) Giant Floating Head then zaps the audience! Now they're screaming for real (except for the dead ones, of course). And then he zaps the Hot Chip logo on the stage. And then ... he smiles. The end.
And now that I've told you what happens and warned you about what the song sounds like, you don't need to see it. But just remember, if you follow this link (embedding disabled) and press that play button
... you wuz warnd.
...You followed the link, didn't you? And you pressed play. Well, I TOLD you! And now you need something else to make you forget about it.
So below ... well, more about this in the next week or so. (Someone should remind me if I forget.)
Seriously, how can you NOT like a song that builds the beginning over the tune from the "One-two-three-FOUR-five-six-seven-
eight-NINE-ten-eleven-twelve" counting song from Sesame Street?