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Strange Horizons: Zombie Kings Sing Songs of BRAAAAAAAINS!
For once, an article came out almost, if not quite exactly, the way I wanted it to. It missed on the tone a little -- I kind of wanted it to be a little frothier, but I think I just can't do "comparative review" and "frothy" in the same piece. Nonetheless, it's not quite as scholarly-feeling as the previous articles. And I think the lesson -- alas, not a really useful one -- is that if you get an idea for a piece really early, and then you keep thinking, "Oh, I'm not ready for that, I can't make it work," and you keep shoving it away until you're finally cornered because you can't think of anything else, it may turn out that your brain has been quietly working on it in the background, and it'll be the easiest thing you've written so far, and completely spoil the process from here on in, because you know nothing else will be that easy again.
And now, the thing that has been running through my head ever since I started seriously working on this article. (I promise, it's relevant. For certain values of "relevant.")
First, you need this:
From WOWIO: A downloadable PDF of a comic mentioned in the review.
Then there's this:
And now ... mi mi mi mi miii... ahem.
...and, you know, more in that vein. I know it's not really funny, but it was just ... there, and the meter of the titles matched, and it Would. Not. Leave. Me. ALONE. I promise, it makes a great deal more sense once you actually read Jesus Hates Zombies.
I came thisclose to actually putting this in the piece. Seriously, THISCLOSE!
[1] Imagine the sound of a baseball bat meeting, say, a really big, not quite ripe, pumpkin.
[2] Lazarus is the name of the zombies that Jesus spares and travels with. See, it turns out that 29/37ths of the world has been converted into zombies by a disease, and of the remaining 8/37ths, many of them are ... well, they're just not right. Not at all right. And it turns out that Jesus derives his powers from the people who believe in him. And the only person he can find who still believes is a zombie, so it winds up being weirdly important for Lazarus to remain unthwacked, as it were. (There are, needless to say, both a bat and a sword in His NonHeavenly Arsenal. Also, turns out He has a heart tattoo on His Butt reading "Mags". Make of that what you will.)
I hate Robert Freakin' Kirkman.
No, wait: that's not quite right. After all, I really do like Invincible and some of his other stuff. I just hate that his foray into zombie comics has apparently been so wildly successful that zombie comics are suddenly everywhere. (Yes, it's all his fault. One must blame someone, after all.) Everyone's trying for their own unique—or sometimes not so unique—take on the whole zombie thing. But why so much? Why now? Why everyone?
I have a theory. Now, it's coming completely out of the air, and no doubt displaying a fine ignorance of history, religion, psychology, sociology, and several other -ologies, but bear with me....
For once, an article came out almost, if not quite exactly, the way I wanted it to. It missed on the tone a little -- I kind of wanted it to be a little frothier, but I think I just can't do "comparative review" and "frothy" in the same piece. Nonetheless, it's not quite as scholarly-feeling as the previous articles. And I think the lesson -- alas, not a really useful one -- is that if you get an idea for a piece really early, and then you keep thinking, "Oh, I'm not ready for that, I can't make it work," and you keep shoving it away until you're finally cornered because you can't think of anything else, it may turn out that your brain has been quietly working on it in the background, and it'll be the easiest thing you've written so far, and completely spoil the process from here on in, because you know nothing else will be that easy again.
And now, the thing that has been running through my head ever since I started seriously working on this article. (I promise, it's relevant. For certain values of "relevant.")
First, you need this:
From WOWIO: A downloadable PDF of a comic mentioned in the review.
Then there's this:
And now ... mi mi mi mi miii... ahem.
Jesus hates zombies
His Papa hates zombies
Not just decay from 'em
Or the bouquet of 'em
Too late to pray for 'em
Wow
[THWACK!] [1]
Jesus hates zombies (Jesus hates zombies)
His Papa hates zombies (Papa hates zombies)
Jesus swings his big bat
Smacks 'em so very flat
Shouting "Die, die, hellcat!
Now!"
[THWACK!]
He bats fast
Slices slow
Bat swings high
Sword goes low
He goes left
Laz goes right [2]
Jesus
Looks round for Laz
But he's no longer in sight
[THWACK!]
Jesus hates zombies
His papa hates zombies
Can't find a place to sleep
Even the jail's a heap
All filled with zombie creep
yow!
[THWACK!]
...and, you know, more in that vein. I know it's not really funny, but it was just ... there, and the meter of the titles matched, and it Would. Not. Leave. Me. ALONE. I promise, it makes a great deal more sense once you actually read Jesus Hates Zombies.
I came thisclose to actually putting this in the piece. Seriously, THISCLOSE!
[1] Imagine the sound of a baseball bat meeting, say, a really big, not quite ripe, pumpkin.
[2] Lazarus is the name of the zombies that Jesus spares and travels with. See, it turns out that 29/37ths of the world has been converted into zombies by a disease, and of the remaining 8/37ths, many of them are ... well, they're just not right. Not at all right. And it turns out that Jesus derives his powers from the people who believe in him. And the only person he can find who still believes is a zombie, so it winds up being weirdly important for Lazarus to remain unthwacked, as it were. (There are, needless to say, both a bat and a sword in His NonHeavenly Arsenal. Also, turns out He has a heart tattoo on His Butt reading "Mags". Make of that what you will.)
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