THINGS COMICKAL AND RANDOM

Crispy Gamer - Feature: Gaming's Most Awesome Man-Crotches Ever!: With today's extremely high-powered gaming consoles, it's now easier than ever for skilled programmers to fully articulate a man-crotch. Games have certainly come a long way from the totally flat man-crotches of old. Remember the original Prince of Persia? Totally flat man-crotch. Mario? Flat man-crotch. Simon Belmont? You guessed it: FLAT MAN-CROTCH. For the next 14 seconds, feast your eyes -- and your clicks -- on gaming's most awesome man-crotches ever!

The principal reason that you wouldn't see an article like this about superhero comics is that your average male superhero does not have a penis.

No, not even Superman or Batman or any incarnation of Captain America or Spiderman. They just don't have 'em. No sirree bob, they don't.

Most male superheroes are, judging from the clearly visible evidence, entirely genitalia-free. Characters in nonsuperhero titles clearly do have penises; this unfortunate state of affairs appears to be limited to superhero comics. Therefore, any article trying to depict the "most awesome mancrotches" of superheroes would be seriously limited. As proof, I cite the Great Scandals of Crotchgate 2007 (POSSIBLY NOT WORKSAFE) and Crotchgate 2008 (POSSIBLY NOT WORKSAFE), in which it was conclusively determined that the only superheroes with penises were Captain Steel and Alan Scott, with an earlier cameo appearance from the Image superhero universe by Ace Justice, and also from Powers by Christian Walker. (Ace Justice actually having a clearly delineated penis under his spandex was rendered moot shortly after this discovery by the fact that he soon thereafter lacked a head, which went all 'splodey when Bomb Queen stuck a grenade in his mouth. Many superheroes mourned the loss, as it would now again become taboo to show VPL [visible penis line] -- this despite the fact that most male superheroes do not seem to have penises with which to show VPL. It has been theorized that some were planning on "packing", or wearing prosthetic penises under their spandex, but there is as yet no evidence to support this theory.) The discovery that Captain Steel and Alan Scott had penises under their spandex, and the shocking and very clear depiction of Christian Walker's quite quite naked penis, caused such a great furor that soon ravening fanboys everywhere went on a mad search for evidence of penile possession. Form-fitting spandex on all male heroes was examined for even the slightest clue. We do know that They even tried to look inside Batman's canonical hardened athletic cup, to no avail. (As one might imagine, this did not go well. Batman's displeasure was reportedly quite emphatic. It has been theorized that Bruce Wayne's one time romantic partner Jezebel Jet was perhaps a drag queen, seconded by RuPaul in advance of the "RuPaul's Drag Race" television show, to acquire evidence of both penishood and possibly the most spectacular "tuck" known to mankind; her failure is thought to have led both to her possible death and indirectly to "Final Crisis: Darkseid's Search for Batman's Tool".)

Despite the acute and self-evident lack of penisry, we do know that male superheroes allegedly reproduce. Green Arrow, Batman, the Wally West Flash, an alternate universe Spiderman, Starman, Captain Dynamo -- all of these heroes and more have allegedly fathered children. But how? How has this been managed in the absence of a penis and possibly of any genitalia whatsoever? The working hypothesis is that, unbeknownst to most of these heroes ... Captain Steel, Alan Scott, Christian Walker, and possibly Ace Justice before his unfortunate demise, have been very very very busy. (In fact, it is theorized that, due to a furious case of hero/lack-of-penis envy, Ace Justice may well have fathered all of the notoriously fertile Captain Dynamo's children before his death, and indeed, many of the children fathered by a male superhero in the entire Image superhero "universe".)

Thus, alas, we shall never see an article focusing on the wonders of the supehero mancrotch. We shall only see relentlessly flat spandex, from sea to shining sea.